Preparing for the Inevitable

by Kathleen M. Rehl, Ph.D., CFP®
Land O’Lakes, FL
http://www.rehlmoney.com/

My soulmate and husband, Tom, died in February 2007. Then my dear mother passed away a month later.

Although I miss their physical presence tremendously, their spirits and love will always be with me. I’m grateful for my faith, along with the friends, family, and clients who offered their loving support.

Yes, managing grief at the death of a loved one is difficult. You may have experienced a similar intense heartache yourself.

In my case, there were two estates to settle. That’s pretty straightforward work, although it is time consuming. Tom and my mother did almost everything right in terms of their end-of-life planning, thanks in part to their astute financial advisor.

Think of it this way. Having all in order is the last gift you can give those you leave behind. What a wonderful bequest for your loved ones! Think of it as tying up the loose ends of our lives. If left undone, incomplete estate plans may cause pain, guilt, sorrow, and regret for family members, on top of the grief they feel.

My husband’s and my mother’s IRAs and other retirement plan beneficiaries were identified correctly. Tom’s and Mom’s wills were current. Annuity and life insurance beneficiaries were up
to date. And their nonretirement accounts were “payable on death” or “transferable on death” to avoid probate. They both had updated their living wills, so there was no question about their wishes when they were near the end of their lives.

It’s been said that half of all lawyers die without wills. That’s understandable. Preparing for your own death demands you confront a toxic mix of chaotic emotions and enervating details. I’m glad that Tom’s and Mom’s updated documents were in place well before their deaths.

Still, I had to make dozens of decisions, especially with Mom’s estate. She wanted everything split equally among her three children, but what does that really mean in terms of the family mementos that were in her apartment? My brothers and I amicably divided those sentimental items. We donated much of her household furnishings to help needy families through Lutheran Services of Florida. I ended up taking some things none of us really wanted but that I couldn’t bear to let leave the family (like the small well-worn green stool my greatgreat- grandfather made for Mom when she was a little girl).

So, as you think about your own end-of-life plans, what loose ends do you need to tie up?

1. Check your beneficiary statements.
Retirement accounts like IRAs, 403(b)s, 401(k)s, and pension plans, along with insurance policies and annuities, pass to your designated beneficiaries outside of the probate process. If you haven’t checked your beneficiary listings lately, request a current record to verify that your listings match your intentions. Don’t forget to identify any charities in your list of beneficiaries. Remember that in certain states, you can also transfer your residence with a Lady Bird Deed (which conveys an enhanced life estate). Keep a listing of all these beneficiaries where they can easily be found, probably close to where you keep your will.

2. Revisit your will.
Find your will and let other people know where it is—no hide and seek games, please. Read your will. Does it do what you want it to do? Do you understand what’s in it? If not, see your lawyer. (The same suggestion goes for your living trust if you also have one.)

3. Have your advance health care directives in place, including a living will.
If appropriate, you may also want your physician to prepare a DNR (do not resuscitate) order.

4. Identify who gets which special keepsakes.
If you want distinctive treasures to go to special people, put it in writing. It doesn’t have to be complicated, but it does have to be clear. This is sometimes referred to as a “separate letter of instruction” about your personal items. If you think there might be disagreement, include this in your will to make it enforceable by the probate court. The workbook Who Gets Grandma’s Yellow Pie Plate? (published by the University of Minnesota Extension Service) may be helpful.

5. Decide what you want for your funeral or memorial service and let your family know.
Tom actually wrote much of his memorial service (he was a pastor). You can simply let others know if you want to be cremated or buried. What favorite sacred verses or music would you like included? Who should be notified? Planning in advance will help your family during that difficult time.

6. Tell people you love them—TODAY.
Remember that you too will die someday. We’re all guaranteed to have that experience. Waiting until then will be too late to say you’re sorry and make up. Let the healing begin while you are still alive.

Yes, when your time comes to leave this earthly life behind, your loved ones will feel a greater sense of comfort because of your thoughtful actions before your death. Do what you can now to help those you care for in the time ahead when you, too, will pass on. It will give them—and you—greater peace of mind.